“[Trinitarianism] is the deep grammar of all the central Christian affirmations.” –Fred Sanders

I’m writing this the week after the church’s silent retreat at Sacred Heart Retreat House in Sedalia, Colorado. I realized something while there about some of my own unrealized beliefs about the Trinity that speaks to our exploration of the doctrine, and I thought it might be helpful to share what I learned.

I’ve encouraged you over our last couple of walks here along the Emmaus Way to investigate potentially unrecognized ideas you might have about the Trinity. I try not to give you an assignment that I haven’t done myself, and indeed I have spent time with God doing that spiritual exploration. But at the retreat, and as usual, I found that there’s always more to uncover. While praying, I realized that I was experiencing a different internal emotion depending on which member of the Trinity I was addressing: a formal, almost wary (if I’m honest) feeling when addressing the Father; a feeling of safe familiarity when addressing Jesus; and a light, almost breezy freedom when addressing the Holy Spirit. (Sidebar question: Do you pray directly to the Holy Spirit very much? If not, try it.) I also realized that when I’m talking to “God,” I’m actually primarily thinking about the Father.

This was all enlightening to me because, as I said, I thought I had done this Trinitarian-awareness work pretty well. And while in the past I might have been self-critical that I had somehow not done that work “well enough,” now I’m just deeply grateful, because, as I always tell you, the new awareness brought new invitation of things to investigate with God: Why do I have a bit of wariness toward the Father; what remains to be healed there? How and why am I dividing the Persons of the Trinity, as evidenced by my differing emotional responses when focusing on each one? How can I grow in allowing the Three to maintain their distinct Persons while not assigning them separate attitudes towards me (or anyone)? Where do I need to allow the Spirit to reshape my image of God in the contours of my heart and mind, and what resources can I implement (spiritual direction, therapy, prayer, other practices) to help create space for that to occur?

While knowing that my issues are likely not your issues, I hope that sharing how the Spirit is inviting me to ask my own deeper questions about the Trinity can inspire you to do the same. If you’d ever like to get together and chat about things, please email me at lori@flccs.net and we’ll set up a coffee. Let’s walk together.